You can see where this is going right? Tell me you’ve caught the gist of this? But I can promise you now, whatever it is you are imagining, what I’m about to tell you is a WORLD away from what you could possibly ever contemplate, and a million times worse: “Discipline him?!” I replied incredulously, “Monty never needs disciplining, he’s the best behaved dog on the planet. Someone in the office the other week even had the audacity to ask how I would discipline him. And I take great delight in wholeheartedly agreeing with every person that informs me of this.
I cannot tell you how many times a day I get told how amazing, how wonderful, how much of a perfect specimen of a Labrador he is. Take Monty, for example – the golden boy, the most well mannered dog you will EVER meet. Which brings me onto the reason for this post and the moment that prompted it…anyone else noticed that as soon as you say “my dog never ” they seem to take it as a call to action and before you know it, right in front of your eyes, off they go, never’ing like they’ve never fucking never’ed before. I’ve even managed to fit in a handful of training sessions with them on the odd evening and it’s been great to see they haven’t entirely forgotten what they’re supposed to do, having been left to act like “normal” dogs for a few months after a busy shoot season. So much so, it’s literally taken up 90% of my existence for the last few months.Īs a result, the dogs have been my absolute saviour – ensuring I still get away from the desk twice a day and insisting I look up from my screen at least every few hours for a 5 minute cuddle as they rest their chins on my lap. But to be fair to me, I have been bloody busy with work (and I mean *really* busy).
Until next time…unless I’m found dead, half eaten by a bunch of rabid spiders who’ve invaded my home en masse. So I will leave it here, but I offer you no apology as, quite frankly, it’s all getting a little bit f*cking ridiculous now. I appreciate this post is getting very sweary now but given the magnitude of the situation, I think the frequency and sheer range of profanities is more than justified. Exhibit A:īut just to further enhance my point, allow me to provide additional material to substantiate my claim…Īnd it’s not just the fat ones either, they’re descending upon me in all shapes and sizes now and the newest iteration of these utter bastards can actually f*ck right off: Yes, I’m prone to a slight exaggeration at times, but we’re genuinely into double digits now and this sh*t just isn’t funny anymore. Cheers for that, guys.Īnd I’m not just talking about the odd one either before you accuse me of being a townie, these arseholes are everywhere I turn. When I moved to the countryside, not a single bumpkin did me a solid and warned me that I’d be dealing with ones the size of f**king wombats that are too big to fit in a pint glass and take a battering with a slipper to merely concuss. These tw*ting things are obscene, I sh*t you not. I’m talking about spiders, and not just your iddy-biddy house spiders that you can scoop up and pop out the window. Not only have I had to relent and finally put my heating on, but it transpires I’m not the only one who wants to live in my house and enjoy such amenities. Ok, so before any of you throw your arms up in outrage and lecture me about the dreaded C word or S word (get your mind out of the gutter, I’m referring to Christmas and snow), just hear me out…
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